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“Clowns have made the headlines all week” writes Stel

16 Oct “Clowns have made the headlines all week” writes Stel

Welcome to another instalment of TBSUKB. The first edition wasn’t removed from which means it either passed the “fit and proper” test, or the cheque I sent to the editor didn’t bounce.

Clowns have made the headlines all week – and I don’t just mean the United States Presidential candidates. Yes, those “funny” characters so often seen at children’s parties are terrorising people throughout the UK, a trend that started in the US of A. Why? What for? What’s the point? When I think about this rationally, three things immediately spring to mind.

1. If an individual, who I cannot identify due to their “disguise”, attempts to instil fear in someone but is then on the receiving end of a hiding – who gets in trouble with the law?
2. When the hoodie craze swept the nation causing people to fear for their lives because teens were hiding their faces, an ASBO was slapped on everyone (figuratively speaking) who dare have their hood up. Is dressing up as a clown not in the same bracket?
3. Anyone who chooses to dress up like a clown for “fun” (excluding those who do this for a living) has behaviour issues as far as I’m concerned and need help. There’s no way my child would go anywhere near someone like that. There’s something quite Gary Glitter-esque about people who enjoy dressing up as clowns.

So what can be done about all this? In a word – nothing. Two months ago someone attempted to steal my car which was parked on the drive. Fortunately I have CCTV cameras all over the place so I was able to see everything. I called the police and guess what? They didn’t have anyone in the area at the time and since it wasn’t serious they said someone would come round on Monday. This phone call occurred on a Friday. Monday rolls around and 5 minutes before the police were scheduled to arrive, I received a phone call telling me they had to cancel and would be round on Saturday! I wasn’t even angry. It was quite hilarious actually. My point is that unless these clowns are carrying Machetes or Uzies, then you can forget about 5-O coming to your rescue. In fact, if you tell them you’re about to decapitate a clown, they’ll be at your house quicker than you can say “Krusty is dead”.

Speaking of death – or near death in this case – who’s seen the clip of that great white shark smashing into a diver’s cage in Mexico? Just watching it break in then wriggle its way out left a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. The only thing I could think was: “Whoever is in there isn’t going to make it out alive or out at all for that matter”. Lo and behold, once the shark disappeared the bloke calmly climbs out of the cage. You’d have thought he just went to the kebab shop and brought back some chips or something! There’s another story about a bloke who fell off his boat and spent over 28 hours in deadly water alone! Got attacked by sharks, jellyfish and seagulls! Yes, seagulls! Those bloody cretins who congregate around fast food restaurants like prostitutes on street corners, waiting for scraps. Hate those bastards! Anywho, if you’re interested in sharks, I have a friend who literally swims with them for a living. Check out his site. He’s won awards and everything –

“In sickness and in health. Til’ death do us part”. That’s what’s normally recited during wedding ceremonies, right? Perhaps Aisha Buhari’s vows were different to those we’re accustomed to. In case you don’t know, Mrs Buhari is the wife of Nigerian president Muhammadu and has warned her spouse that unless he “shakes up his government” she may not back him at the next election. True to form, president Buhari’s response was simply: “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room”. Something tells me either a prenuptial agreement was signed or he really has a death wish. Think before you speak mate – especially to the media. Madman!

Next time you go to London Zoo, or any Zoo for that matter, please be careful. While it’s fun to stare at dangerous animals and pull faces at them while you’re behind a screen that only Putin’s missiles can destroy, there’s always a chance something might go wrong. Step forward Kumbuka the gorilla, who escaped from his enclosure at London Zoo. Over 100 people retreated to – get this – a bird attraction and a café….Hang on. A bird attraction: “Oi, you lot! There’s a silverback on the loose. Come and see Polly tell us she wants a cracker!”. According to the Zoo, “they were never in any danger”. Of course mate. Is that why you needed armed police? It’s a 187KG ape that’s been caged up for over 10 years. I’m sure he was more than “agitated”.

Incredible isn’t it? A gorilla goes walkies and gets shot, yet provocative, dangerous people dressed as clowns are ticked off. Nice.